Thursday, July 05, 2007

Thirteen things to not say to a wife with a deployed husband:

1. I don't know how you do it. **Me: I don't know either, but I just do. Anyways, do I really have a choice.

2. I could never deal with it if my husband were gone that long. **Me: Yes, you could. You would be surprised what you can do alone. It is almost empowering to know you can do it. But after nine months, I am empowered enough....get on home quickly now!

3. Are you scared that something may happen to him while he's there? **Me:This one is the one that really perplexes me the most. uugghh, let me see, he is in a combat zone....that would be yes!

4. Do you miss him? **Me: Every time I was asked this, I just wanted to respond "Oh, no, definitely not. I like it when he's gone. It gives me the chance to be all by myself 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with a 2 (and don't forget the half) year old and a four year old. Who wouldn't want that?" Of course, I miss him. Wouldn't you miss your husband? If not, sister, you've got more issues than me. And I am all about issues!

5. I know just how you feel. My husband was on a business trip last month for three days and I just thought I would die. **Me: Are you kidding me? First, I barely notice now if my husband is only gone for three days. Second, unless his business trip was to a place where everyone is openly carrying a gun in the street trying to kill him and suicide bombers and roadside bombs are prevalent, its not remotely close to being the same. The only thing I may give you on this one is that you know what it's like to sleep in an empty bed.

6. Do you worry about him cheating on you? **Me: Well, people, it is a little thing called self control. That and a love for my husband and respect for my marriage. Do some people cheat? Sure they do. But people cheat in civilian marriages too. Being in the military has no bearing on that.

7. How can you sleep at night knowing your husband is a murderer? Won't you be afraid when he comes home? **Me: Personally no one has ever said this to me. This one sets me off more than any other. No soldier is a murderer. Have they had to kill someone? Quite possibly. But there are a great many soldiers who never have. It's not something they talk about in daily conversation. Regardless of what they do overseas, it does not make them a murderer. They are in a war zone and following orders. I have never once >ven had an inkling that I should be afraid of my husband because he is a soldier. If anything, I feel more protected and safe.

8. I'm so sorry your husband had to be deployed. Don't you just hate President Bush? **Me: My husband joined the military of his own free will knowing full well that there is a potential to be deployed. The President may be the one running the show, but I knew he was a soldier when I married him. I'm proud of him and his accomplishments. And I don't discuss politics or religion with anyone.

9. If you truly supported your husband, you would be protesting so...he wouldn't have to deploy again/could be brought home/the war would end. **Me: Really? My definition of support must be much different than the definition of support by these people. Supporting my husband means supporting him in what he does and what he believes in. It does not mean disrespecting the men and women who volunteered to defend our country and our rights. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have the right to protest in the first place. I'm certainly not putting myself in a position where it could be construed as anything other than 100% support for our troops and their families. I have blogged about this one before when I saw the Harley Davidson patriot guard. What they do is so much more worthy than any protestor standing on the road leading onto post.

10. I can't believe your husband did this to you. Aren't you mad at him? **Me: Um, what?! My husband didn't do anything to me. He honors his agreements and he follows the orders of his superiors. There's certainly nothing sad or maddening about having a husband who fulfills his commitments. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm proud of my husband and I completely support him.

Since I can't think of any more things...I give you three hopes that I have. I think most military wives are hopeful. Formally defined, hope is belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life and implies that the outcome is possible even when there is some evidence to the contrary.

11. I hope that civilians realize the sacrifices we make and appreciate what we give.

12. More than anything, we hope that our children know what their family’s service means and the pride they should feel, and we hope our soldier knows how much we love him.

13. Dear Lord, honestly, we just hope we can hold it all together.


tulipmom said...

I just want to say how much I appreciate everything you are doing and all the sacrifices you are making for people like me.

This was a terrific post!

You are one strong woman!

Joy T. said...

I'm a Canadian civilian and our Country just lost 6 more soldiers. I had to pull over to the side of the road when I heard it come over the radio. I don't know of a Canadian out there who doesn't weep for our soldiers. For ALL soldiers. I absolutely realize and appreciate the sacrifices you make. And I would hug each and every one of you if I could.

Anonymous said...

Don't know how I could face each day without knowing you are there for me. I think this deployment is harder on you than it is on me.

Don't take smack from anybody and try not to worry too much; safety and I are tight.


Jessie said...

Ok, 1 and 2, Im sure theyre annoying to hear, but there isnt much else to say. Its like saying "Im sorry for your loss" when someone dies. What else are people supposed to say, other than wishing him luck? Id like to know what comments youve enjoyed and made you feel better. I know what to say to the soldiers, I just say thank you when I meet them, but I never know how to talk to the wives without sounding redundant.

As for the rest of those comments about the president and murderers, theyre downright rude, and anyone who says that should be punched straight in the balls, no questions asked.

Dana said...

That was a great post. I would be especially infuriated by #9.

tommiea said...

tulip mom- thanks

joy t. - I just read that this morning, I am so sorry.

husband-love you

jessie- I guess I would like to hear "Is there anything I can do?" or "Would you like to grab some lunch?" more along those lines.

dana- you would be surprised some of the things people say. It is like their brain is disconnected from their mouth!

patti_cake said...

A wise and wonderful post. You are one tough lady. Your family is ever in my prayers.

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

Great post. Makes me want to smack these fools for asking such idiotic questions. I'm sure they don't mean to be morons, but heh, they are.

Not So Anonymous Michelle said...

I'm amazed every day be the idiotic things people say, then I stop and think...please tell me I have never said such stupid things to people! Great post to make us think about how we talk to people and the things we take for granted!

Mercy's Maid said...

I hope he gets to come home SOON! You are both very strong. Thank you for your sacrifice.

Tammy said...

People suck. Sorry.

You are MY hero.

Haley-O said...

Omigosh, I would never THINK of saying any of that. People can be so ignorant. I'm sorry people say stuff like that to you.

Jane said...

People can say the DUMBEST things!! I am sorry you have to endure their stupidity.
I, for one, appreciate what your husband and all the others who are deployed are doing for me and for my country. I am very proud of him as I know you are. I also appreciate all the wives, husbands, children, and families of the soldiers. You are making a sacrifice for our country too and it does not go unnoticed. Thank you!

Joan said...

Most people, who are making no personal sacrifices for our freedoms, are somewhat awed and feel enormously endebted to those soldiers and their families who are providing for our well-being; but many of us don't know how to express these thoughts effectively.

A few of the comments you included fall into the category of trying to do that (the first 5 or 6 probably.) I guess you have to give them credit for trying to understand, at least.

A few of those comments (the last few especially) fall into the category of "I have an agenda and I will take any opportunity to further it regardless of who I hurt in so doing." To those last few, I say, "consider the source."
Unfortunately wisdom is rare but stupidity in in abundant supply!

You have my thanks for all you and other military families do. You have my admiration for being the kind of people who honor your agreements and strive to do the best job you can in whatever circumstances you find yourselves.

Lady Jane said...

Great list! Thank you for YOUR sacrifices for our country! Always be proud because we are all proud of you and what your husband is doing for our country! God bless you and your family.

Lindsay said...

Love this! I am saying a prayer for you and your husband and your kiddos - you have a beautiful family.


Stop in a say hello -

Head Hen said...

What a great comment from your DH. I used to hate it when people would call me at terrible times--like 4:30 am. You just don't do that to a woman with a deployed H. Not for a non emergency.

Oh, and I hated it when people wanted to know what we were going to do, how about just letting him get home first?

You are doing great, even on the days you don't think you are.

Head Hen said...

However, I DID have two different neighbors who showed up and mowed my lawn without telling me. They thought I would appreciate it. They were right.

Lori's Light Extemporanea said...

Oh, I'm so very sorry. My brother was in the AF through last summer and he was deployed most of the time. It was a nightmare for my sil but she just sucked it up and made a home for her children. I so admire that and I always stop and thank vets and active duty personnel for their sacrifices for our freedom.

Hang in there!

Oh, and congrats on being selected for the TT spotlight this week.

she said...

Sorry I'm jumping in so late. Wonderful post. I hope I remember some of these (your responses) the next time my hubby is deployed.

Desert Diva said...

Wow, it's still hard to believe that come people can be so inappropriate as well as insensitive.

I think you've done "amazingly" well, and love how you've shared your feelings during your hubby's deployment.

You've been chosen for the "TT spotlight?" I'm going to blame my "gutter mind" on the fact that I'm not fully awake yet. Pray tell, what is "TT? ;-)

Desert Diva said...

Duh, "Thursday Thirteen." My defense is that I'm only halfway through my first cup of coffee and I was awake from 1:30 to 4:30 a.m. with insomnia.

Anonymous said...

Okay, my hubby is an ex-marine, I get it, but to say a statement like "no soldier is a murderer" is clearly untrue. If it was massacres like My Lai wouldn't have happened. Okay so probably things like this happen cause our boys dont get the mental health treatment that they need and we put them out in horrible wars that they have no business being in. But still, we as military spouses, have to own that bad things happen. Lots of female servicewomen are assaulted, raped and murdered at an alarming rate in combat zones. Denial serves no purpose. Is killing in battle murder? of course not, I would never say so.

People not involved in the military cant imagine it. I for one am glad he'll never be deployed again (my hubby). And you know what I dealt barely, and that's true for lots of wives. I know too many that become alcoholics, have gained hundreds of pounds or take a lover. Deployment is the destroyer of families.